Little Jude. I think about you a lot. More than you know. They way I think about you is different from how I think of your sisters because they live here, and you live in heaven. Of course, all three of you live in my heart.

I think of the little boy you would be now. Two. Such a precious age. You’d be walking and talking. You and Lillianne would be busy little playmates. Lillianne wouldn’t be dragging Eilie around the house behind the Mickey Mouse scooter; it would be you, and there might not even be a Mickey Mouse scooter because it’s Eilie’s scooter. In those moments when Lillianne tries to talk to Eilie like she’s an older child, and Eilie’s just…not…I think of you.

When we go to the playground, and Lillianne can’t find any other kids to play with, I think of you. You’d be chasing her around, climbing everything she climbed, and she would tell you how to do it and she’d cheer you on and give you a pull to get you to the top of the slide faster. 

Today we took Lillianne to her first Mardi Gras parade (and Eilie, too). It would’ve been your first parade, I thought, as I watched Lillianne on Daddy’s shoulders and could see the olive-skinned, shiny, dark brown haired cherub you’d have been with gold-flecked chocolate-colored eyes and a Cupid’s bow lip and rosy cheeks. I didn’t see you sitting on anyone’s shoulders, but I could just see you up there next to Lillianne. I thought, “Jude would’ve loved this.”

When new people ask how many kids I have, I think of you because I have to explain about my baby in heaven, and they always look so sad and say they’re sorry. Yes, of course, I’m sorry, too, and I’m sad, but I also know how God used you to help make me a better and more faithful person. I’m not perfect, but I want to be a better person all of the time. You made me more compassionate. You gave us Eilie. I can’t really fathom what the parallel universe that now constantly runs alongside my life would be like if you were here. 

When I look at your father, I think of you. His life, like mine, is steadily undergoing a transformation that I don’t think could’ve or would’ve happened if not for what God’s done for him through you. 

I don’t understand why we had to lose you. I really don’t. You were such a busy thing. I like to think about your alive time. It was such a fleeting but such a special time. And then you were gone to heaven. 

So, I’m thankful for the times I think of you and imagine you with us or what’s going on in that parallel universe. I’m thankful that you’re still so very alive in my heart and that there are so many wonderful things that happen to me and your daddy and your sisters that I can say, “Jude helped us do that.” I love making new memories with you. 

I love you, sweet baby boy. I’m thinking of you.